


What we won't leave behind

by Thelastvorta



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alternate Ending, Garashir - Freeform, M/M, didn't like the original, fuck the canon we die like warriors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:13:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26404012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thelastvorta/pseuds/Thelastvorta
Summary: Alternate ending to the final moment between Julian and Garak in Deep space nine.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Kudos: 50





	What we won't leave behind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [everyone who thinks Berman is a coward for not giving us what we wanted](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=everyone+who+thinks+Berman+is+a+coward+for+not+giving+us+what+we+wanted).



Garak paced around the console, restless and inconsolable. He had lost whatever connection remained between his planet and himself. Julian worried for his friend. This was the first time Garak had been home in years. And what he’s returned to is ruins and destruction. Garak’s mind ran rampant with more emotions than he knew how to handle. Grief over losing what he knows of his planet, anger at the dominion, satisfaction that the Cardassian people received the punishment they deserved and guilt for feeling that satisfaction. It wasn’t logical, it was nonsensical and Garak knew it. Which made it that much worse. Julian tried his best to comfort him.  
“You and I both know that the Cardassians are a strong people, they’ll survive. Cardassia will survive.” Julian reasoned.  
“Oh, please doctor!” Garak laughed, but his laugh turned sour. “Spare me your insufferable federation optimism. Of course, it’ll survive! But not as the Cardassia I knew!” Garak knew it wasn’t Julian’s fault. There was nothing Julian could have done in that moment to recover everything he had lost. But he had nobody to blame. No single person he could tie all this loss to. So, Julian became the target of his conflicted emotions.   
“We had a rich and ancient culture. Our literature, music, art was second to none!” Garak spat. “Now, so much of it is lost. So many of our best people, our most gifted minds…” Garak trailed off as the grief took over his mind. For the first time ever, he was lost for words. He realised just how many people had been lost and what that meant for the future of Cardassia. There was almost no hope of repairing the Cardassia he knew. No hope of saving the planet he loved, even after it abandoned him. Julian wanted to help him; he really did. But, how could he? His planet was safe, lightyears away. Almost untouched by the war whereas Cardassia was a direct casualty. Julian knew nothing he said could console Garak in the way he needed. He worried that what he had already said had caused more damage than he could repair.  
He placed his hand on Garak’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Garak, I didn’t mean…” Garak shook his head and cut him off.  
“Oh it’s…it’s quite alright doctor.” He turned to Julian, trying his best to keep from shattering in front of him. After a few moments, Julian nodded and looked away. It seemed he had caused a wound not even he could suture.   
“You’ve been such a good friend.” Garak told him, which made Julian look up at him again. “I’m going to miss our lunches together.” Garak plastered a smile on his face, his best attempt to convince the doctor that he was alright. That he would be alright. Julian knew what he meant; he was going to lose Garak. Garak wouldn’t come back to deep space nine. He wouldn’t see him in his shop, walking around the promenade, at their weekly lunches. But he couldn’t be selfish. Not now, not when Garak was grieving so badly.   
“I’m sure we’ll see each other again.” Julian faked a smile, but he was not as convincing as Garak. He knew Garak had to stay, but he couldn’t bare the thought of losing him. The fact that both survived this war was a miracle, and yet, even so, Julian still couldn’t get what he wanted.   
“I’d like to think so.” Garak smiled. “But one can never say.” Julian had to look away in order to keep himself composed. Garak placed his hand on Julian’s shoulder “We live, in uncertain times.” Julian knew that when Garak’s hand left his shoulder, he would be gone. He wouldn’t get him back. Garak stepped away. Part of him hoping Julian wouldn’t look at him again so he could walk out the door, and another part of him hoping beyond hope that Julian would follow him out that door. Garak took one last look at the doctor, the one thing he had wanted more than anything in his entire life. The saving grace sent by the prophets or some other higher power for him, and him alone, and walked out of the room. Finally, Garak let a tear fall from his eyes. Followed by a second, then a third, and more until he lost count. He couldn’t remember the last time he let himself cry like this, truly cry. Unrestrained and unabashed. But if he couldn’t allow himself to cry for everything he had lost today, then he could never justify crying again. So, he stopped. And cried. He leant against the wall of the corridor and sank to his knees, the wall the only thing keeping him upright. His people, his planet, his Julian. All lost.   
Julian stood in that room. Frozen to the spot, the tears had started for him too. He couldn’t believe that Garak was so close to truly being his, and he let him slip away. He wasn’t sure if he was being selfless or stupid letting him leave. Julian ran through every possible thing he could’ve said in that moment, to have him stay there with him just a little while longer, or forever. He wasn’t sure. Finally, his selfishness overtook him. He ran out the door, sprinting down the corridor.  
“Garak! Wait! Don’t leave!” Julian screamed. He ran down the corridor hoping with every fibre of his being that Garak heard.   
And he did. Garak’s head snapped up. He pushed himself off the wall and to his feet. After a few moments of silence, he worried that he had hallucinated the call. Until a dishevelled and distraught doctor came around the bend. Julian ran to Garak and wrapped his arms around him so tightly, scared that if he let up for even a second, he would disappear. Once Garak recovered from the shock of Julian being there, he returned the embrace just as intensely. They stood there holding each other, and crying. Until Julian pulled away to look at Garak, whose eyes were swollen and dark. Julian knew he couldn’t wait anymore. He pressed his lips firmly onto Garak’s. Almost reflexively Garak’s hands moved to Julian’s face and held him as he finally got the kiss he so desperately craved all these years. Julian held Garak’s waist and pulled him closer, he so desperately wanted this moment to continue forever. Garak pulled away only to breathe, resting his forehead against Julian’s. Their hands both remained in their respective place, almost as if they were designed to rest there. One of Julian’s tears rolled down onto Garak’s thumb. He gently wiped it away. Julian drew in a shaky breath.  
“I can’t lose you, Garak.” He whispered. “And I don’t care if it’s selfish. Not anymore. I’ve almost lost you too many times over the years. I will not stand by and let you go.”  
Garak smiled and leant away from the doctor, eyes shining with tears. He gently wiped the tears that escaped Julian’s eyes. “Stay with me, doctor. I must stay here and do what I can to fix my home, but I want you here with me. We can start a new life, together. There is so much we could do to repair Cardassia. You could care for all the injured cardassian soldiers that remain here. You could open a hospital, admittedly I don’t know much about medicine, but I could help where necessary. I could finally live on Cardassia again. With you.” Garak stopped for a moment. Trying to find the words to say what he had been desperate to say for so long. “I have a responsibility to stay here, but without you, my life will always be pointless. No matter what I achieve here.”   
Julian looked at Garak and smiled for what felt like the first time in eternity. “We could finally bring those abandoned cardassian children home from Bajor.” Julian suggested.  
Garak beamed. “Yes! Yes, we could! We can do anything and everything you want. I will personally see to it. Whatever you want, I guarantee I will acquire for you. Under the condition that you stay here. With me.” Garak waited for Julian’s answer, his whole world depending on Julian’s next words.   
Julian saw his whole future in Garak’s eyes. He saw them together, repairing Cardassia. He saw them on their wedding day, standing together with Miles at his side, and Ezri at Garak’s. He saw them bringing home the orphaned children and raising them as a part of their family. He saw them together, faces wrinkled, hair grey and lines around their eyes and mouths that showed just how much happiness they had experienced in their many years together. Julian had never had an orb experience, but he didn’t need to. He knew there was nothing in this universe he wanted more than what he saw reflected in Garak’s eyes.   
“I will need time to return to the station, pack my belongings. I can’t leave Kukalaka alone, I don’t think I’d ever get over the guilt.” Julian joked.  
Garak laughed and pressed a kiss to Julian’s forehead. “I imagine Kukalaka would be rather upset if you left him behind.” They stared at each other and laughed. Not at anything funny, more at the fact that it took so much loss to push them into finally claiming the one thing they wanted more than anything else. They had to leave a lot behind, but there was nothing in this universe that could matter more than what they had now. There are some things, that just won’t be left behind.


End file.
